jokes

I served in a parachute regiment. During a nighttime exercise, I was seated next to a young officer. He was looking a bit pale, so I asked, “Scared, lieutenant?” “No,” he replied. “Apprehensive.” “What’s the difference?” “That means I’m scared, but with a university education.”
Shared by silent living

While having a meal with his wife , a miserly husband remarked , ” How delicious this dish would have been had it not been for the crowd”.
” What crowd are you talking about ? Its only you and me ,” she remarked in amazement.
” I would have preferred if it was only me and the dish !!! ” he explained .
Shared by sister/in/islam

Abu’ al-Qamaqim persistently questioned a tribe regarding the financial status of a woman he intended marrying. In desperation they asked , ” We have informed you of her wealth , but tell us what wealth you have ?”
He replied , ” Why do you question me about my wealth ? What she owns will suffice for both of us .”
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A person once said to Shah Ismail Shahid (RA) , ” Growing a beard is contrary to human nature because a baby is not born with a beard.”
Shah Ismail Shahid (RA) replied , ” Then you should also remove your teeth because a baby is not born with teeth .”
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As’hab narrates : I had a dream which proved to be half true. When he was asked what he meant by this he explained, ” I saw a myself carrying a huge purse filled with dirhams. Due to its tremendous weight upon me I soiled my clothing. When I awoke, I noticed the impurity on my clothing , but the purse had disappeared.”
Shared by sister/in/islam

A bedouin was performing Salah when he heard people speaking highly of his behaviour and good qualities. He promptly terminated his Salah and declared, ” In addition to this I am also fasting ! ”
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Al-Jahiz narrates : from amongst the wierd and wonderful things I noticed was a teacher in Kufa who was sitting all by himself and crying.When I asked him why , he replied , ” The children have stolen my bread ! ”
Shared by sister in islam

A teacher would lead his young learners in Asr Salah. When in ruku , he would place his head between his knees and look back at his students, some of whom would inevitably be playing the fool. He would then exclaim , ” O son of the green-grocer, I saw what you just did . When I complete the Salah, I will punish you accordingly.”
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It was his first time at this convention, and on the first day he heard someone yell out the number, “34!” Everyone burst out laughing. He thought that was kind of strange. Then someone yelled out, “87,” and again everyone started to laugh. This went on for quite some time. Finally, he asked a co-worker what the number calling was all about.
The co-worker replied, “We are so busy that we have a book of jokes that everyone has memorized and to save time we just yell out the number.”
That night the guy went home and memorized the whole book. The next day while at work the guy yelled out, “52,” and everyone just looked at him strangely.
He went back to work. Someone else yelled out the number, “68,” and everyone laughed hysterically. So, he yelled out, “29,” and again everyone just looked at him strangely, so he put his head down and went back to work.
Later that day at lunch, he asked the co-worker, “Why when I yelled out a number no one laughed?”
The co-worker replied “Well, you know how it is, some people can tell a joke and some people can’t!”
Shared by silent living

Nasa Officials Were Interviewing Three Prospective Astronauts To Send To Mars On A Dangerous One-Way Trip. Only One Of The Three Would Go, And That Candidate Would Never Return To Earth. The Final Three Candidates Were Simon, A Technology Junkie (Great Understanding Of The Shuttles Equipment); Peter, A Motor Mechanic (Knows The Ins And Outs Of The Shuttles Engine) And Solly Bhai, A Material Shop Owner (Knows The Exact Measurements Of Distance Etc.).The Interviewer Asked The First Candidate, Simon, How Much He Wanted To Be Paid To Go.
“One Million Dollars,” Replied Simon, “And I Want It Donated To My Alma Mater, Rice University.”
The Interviewer Asked The Next Candidate The Same Question.
“Two Million Dollars,” Answered Peter, “And I Want To Give One Million To My Family And Leave The Other Million To Medical Research.”
The Third Candidate, Solly Bhai, Was Asked The Same Question.
“Three Million Dollars!” Replied Solly…
“Why So Much?” The Interviewer Inquired.
Solly Beamed And Said Replied, “If You Give Me Three Million, I’ll Keep A Million, Give You A Million…
And We’ll Send Simon.”
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LIFE IN THE LATE 70’s
* Memory was something that you lost with age
* An application was for employment
* A programme was a TV show
* A cursor used profanity
* A keyboard was a piano
* A web was a spider’s home
* A virus was the flu
* A hard drive was a long trip on the road
Shared by silent living

A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:
Husband: I lost my wife; she went shopping & hasn’t come back yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never checked.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.
Inspector: Tell me the number, name & colour of the car?
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed triptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door … and then the husband started crying ..
Shared by silent living

Three Sons Left Home, Went Out On Their Own And Prospered. Getting Back Together, They Discussed The Gifts They Were Able To Give Their Elderly Mother. The First Said, “I Built A Big House For Our Mother.” The Second Said, “I Sent Her A Mercedes With A Driver.” The Third Smiled and Said, “I’ve Got You Both Beat. You Remember How Mom Enjoyed Reading Her Novel? And You Know She Can’t See Very Well. So I Sent Her A Remarkable Parrot That Recites The Entire Novel. It Took The Author In The Industry 12 Years To Teach Him. He’s One Of A Kind. Mama Just Has To Name The Chapter And Page, And The Parrot Recites It.”
Soon Thereafter, Mom Sent Out Her Letters Of Thanks: “Milton,” She Wrote One Son, “The House You Built Is So Huge. I Live In Only One Room, But I Have To Clean The Whole House.”
“Gerald,” She Wrote To Another, “I Am Too Old To Travel. I Stay Most Of the Time At Home, So I Rarely Use the Mercedes. And The Driver Is So Rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” She Wrote To Her Third Son, “You Have The Good Sense To Know What Your Mother Likes…
The Chicken Was Delicious.”
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A newly wedded couple sat together discussing there future.
Husband:i would like that there be no unecessary arguments,fights n quarrelling between my mother and wife…
Wife:perfect!! I no a way we can avoid such things and everything will be just as smooth as it was before I came..
Husband:and that is???
Wife:well whoever WAS doing the washing/ironing before I came should continue,whoever WAS doing the cleaning before I came should carry on with it AND whoever WAS doing the cooking before I came should also continue….
That way we can all live a happy life;-):-P
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. A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.I can read English pretty good, and it say: ~~Polish Remover~~~
Shared by sister/in/islam

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7 thoughts on “jokes

  1. @-}-- says:

    A newly wedded couple sat together discussing there future.
    Husband:i would like that there be no unecessary arguments,fights n quarrelling between my mother and wife…
    Wife:perfect!! I no a way we can avoid such things and everything will be just as smooth as it was before I came..
    Husband:and that is???
    Wife:well whoever WAS doing the washing/ironing before I came should continue,whoever WAS doing the cleaning before I came should carry on with it AND whoever WAS doing the cooking before I came should also continue….
    That way we can all live a happy life;-):-P

  2. :-) says:

    Three Sons Left Home, Went Out On Their Own And Prospered. Getting Back Together, They Discussed The Gifts They Were Able To Give Their Elderly Mother. The First Said, “I Built A Big House For Our Mother.” The Second Said, “I Sent Her A Mercedes With A Driver.” The Third Smiled and Said, “I’ve Got You Both Beat. You Remember How Mom Enjoyed Reading Her Novel? And You Know She Can’t See Very Well. So I Sent Her A Remarkable Parrot That Recites The Entire Novel. It Took The Author In The Industry 12 Years To Teach Him. He’s One Of A Kind. Mama Just Has To Name The Chapter And Page, And The Parrot Recites It.”
    Soon Thereafter, Mom Sent Out Her Letters Of Thanks: “Milton,” She Wrote One Son, “The House You Built Is So Huge. I Live In Only One Room, But I Have To Clean The Whole House.”
    “Gerald,” She Wrote To Another, “I Am Too Old To Travel. I Stay Most Of the Time At Home, So I Rarely Use the Mercedes. And The Driver Is So Rude!”
    “Dearest Donald,” She Wrote To Her Third Son, “You Have The Good Sense To Know What Your Mother Likes…
    The Chicken Was Delicious.”

  3. :-) says:

    Nasa Officials Were Interviewing Three Prospective Astronauts To Send To Mars On A Dangerous One-Way Trip. Only One Of The Three Would Go, And That Candidate Would Never Return To Earth. The Final Three Candidates Were Simon, A Technology Junkie (Great Understanding Of The Shuttles Equipment); Peter, A Motor Mechanic (Knows The Ins And Outs Of The Shuttles Engine) And Solly Bhai, A Material Shop Owner (Knows The Exact Measurements Of Distance Etc.).The Interviewer Asked The First Candidate, Simon, How Much He Wanted To Be Paid To Go.
    “One Million Dollars,” Replied Simon, “And I Want It Donated To My Alma Mater, Rice University.”
    The Interviewer Asked The Next Candidate The Same Question.
    “Two Million Dollars,” Answered Peter, “And I Want To Give One Million To My Family And Leave The Other Million To Medical Research.”
    The Third Candidate, Solly Bhai, Was Asked The Same Question.
    “Three Million Dollars!” Replied Solly…
    “Why So Much?” The Interviewer Inquired.
    Solly Beamed And Said Replied, “If You Give Me Three Million, I’ll Keep A Million, Give You A Million…
    And We’ll Send Simon.”

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