part 342:

“Bismillahir rahmaanir raheem”
-in the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful-

rukayas point of view

With all this drama of choti khala, I hadn’t even had a chance to ask my children how their lunch had gone at their granny.. Not that I cared anyway…

I didn’t even get to ask fayaaz why he came away before everyone else..

Choti khala and I became quite close when she came to stay here.. I enjoyed her company at times.. Mummy says its because the 2 of us are a lot alike.. I don’t agree though..

And then we had that major bust up before I decided to go killing myself…

And today, here we stand… I’m alive and she’s gone..

It made me think.. Our life is not in our hands.. Actually everything lies in Allahs hands…

There’s a reason why Allah chose to give me another chance… I truly am fortunate…. Nows my chance to make a difference.. To change…

Or so I thought…

Everyone gathered in my room a few days after the mayyit… I was busy performing my salaah and felt abit awkward that I was being watched.. I know that I’m not supposed to feel shy about praying to Allah, but I haven’t done it in years and it just did feel a bit uncomfortable.

As soon as I’d made salaam, I pulled off my burkah and looked at everyone…

Thamina, fayAaz, kulsum, my mother… ‘Now what?’ Was the first thing I thought…

They all gave me a sympathetic look…

Kulsum broke the silence first…” Rooks… There’s something we all need to tell you…”

“Oh great! Now what?” I groaned

“I think its best if you sit down first…” Mummy suggested

I did as I was told and occupied a spot on the king sized bed.. I looked at them waiting for them to spill it..

“Well, mummy… Err.. You know we were invited for lunch on sunday by ma?” Thamina began

“Aha” I nodded with a creased forehead..

“And remember I came earlier to tell you something.. But then we sort of had a fight before I could tell you?” Fayaaz continued.

“Yeah?” I said getting agitated

“Well we were invited for a reason….. Please don’t flip!” FayAaz pleaded

“Look rukaya, whatevers about to be said shouldn’t matter anymore… Just please don’t go crazy on all of us but altaf has another wife and the kids had no idea how to tell you….”

I was too stunned to say a word…. Altaf has another wife? Those words echoed in my head and nothing elde anyone said was heard.. Everything was spinning around me for a while.. It was like someone pierced a sharp knife through my already sore heart…

“Rukaya? Are you listening to me?” Kulsum asked..

They began explaining everything to me about altaf, his other wife and child.. It all made so much of sense now.. How he’d been behaving recently… How distant we’d become in the past few years..

My mother asked the kids to leave the room…

“Rukaya… I know that whatever you’re going through hurts a lot… The divorce, chotikhalas sudden death, and now this… You’re probably feeling a lot of anger inside and I think its best that you see someone to help you cope….” Kulsum said..

“Are you implying that I’m crazy?” I snapped

Kulsum sighed heavily…”I didn’t once say that rukaya.. This is just as hard on everyone else as it is on you… There’s nothing wrong with getting help to deal with your issues and fears… We’re here if you want to talk it out. But sometimes you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone that you know.. You’ll always have that fear that they’re judging you for the way you feel.. That’s why I suggest you speak to a counsellor.. Just to help you heal faster… Your kids need you.. Its not easy on them seeing you in this depression…”

And so I gave it some thought.. Not immediately ofcourse..I thought over it for a long while after they’d given me the talk and then oneday, couple of weeks later, I was finally ready to talk to someone…

I visited a muslim psychologist nearby who put me on some antidepressants… Green pills are what I call it.. Because they honestly give me the green signal to go ahead in life…

On top of that, I’ve chosen to talk to Allah aswel… To accept what has happened, to accept that I was partially to blame for my life turning upside down…

My psychologist helped me to stop feeling so bitter, to think positively… She helped me overcome my insecurities.. she helped me to stop blaming everyone and everything else around me and to start taking control of my life..

I became more of a mother to my kids… More of a servant to Allah and in due time, I eventually even accepted hafsa into our home..

Life was different… I missed having altaaf as a husband.. I missed my luxurious life and no doubt, I had my very down days where I would just wallow up in my room alone… But i can surely say that life had change for me.. For the better and I managed, with Allahs help to somehow come out and deal with every situation..


Authors note:
I think I’ve covered almost everything now so There will be just one more post and then I’ll post a closing to the blog with a few advices from my part… Following that will be details to my new ‘blogs’ inshallah..

And then I will be taking a short break before continuing with ‘the missing pieces joined’ inshallah

silent living-foreveramessup.wordpress.com

silent living-foreveramessup.wordpress.com

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11 thoughts on “part 342:

  1. sister/in/Islam says:

    Oh my gosh !!!!!
    One more post !! ??
    Only ONE !!!!!!!!

    Good things hav2 come to an end – and …. Its good that they all realised their purpose in life – n started changing for the better – ​​​الحمد لله ……….
    جَزَاكَ اللهُ خَيْرًا 
 ┉┈┈┈♡♡ -̶̯͡┈̥⌣̊°˚
    For all the lessons u’ve tawt us !!
    Really enjoyed the way it was conveyed …. Thru a story , ppl hav hope in اللَّهُ mercy and forgiveness !!!
    Poor RooKYA …… Feel sorry for her – but that’s life – n now once she’s changd for the better – life will b easier , and more fulfilling !!!

    Hope we all can change for the better – sooner , than lata !!

    جَزَاكَ اللهُ خَيْرًا 
 ┉┈┈┈♡♡ -̶̯͡┈̥⌣̊°˚

  2. zana says:

    Its so nice to see that in the end with all the problems they all went through. Every one turned to our allah and asked him for help

    We never got salmas point of view.

  3. Sister A. says:

    Whaaaaat!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Only 1 more post !!!!!!!! 😉 Ƥℓεāsε giv us a post on Faaiza & Ismail. As well as 1 on Salma. Pretty pleeez ώĩ†̥h a cherry on da top 🙂 😉

    • Wslm..
      Nope. Nothing islamic.. Its not my blog. It was just a very close acquaintances blog and she asked me to pass on the word for her blog. I never read it before anyone else.. I read it as she posted so I had no idea what the contents of the story were.. Make maaf for the disappointment…

  4. A says:

    انا لله وانا اليه راجعون
    Only one more post, noooo sister can’t be, we still need a post from Salma and Aqeel about their baby and from Faaiza and Ismail after Chotikhala’s Janaazah and a post of Ismail’s parents Maryam and Imraan and their kids, this blog can’t be ending so soon
    Alhamdulillah at least Chotikhala’s death was a means of bringing everyone closer to ALLAAH and changing their lives, may ALLAAH forgive her and grant her Jannatul Firdaus aameen

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