“Bismillahir rahmaanir raheem”
-in the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful-
rukayas point of view
Really it does.. I hate my life.. I hate my husband.. Well.. Ex-husband now.. I hate my family.. And I even hate my kids..
Seriously! I can’t stand the sight of any of them.. Its like I just want them out of my way..
There are times when they annoy me so badly that I feel like punching them in the face…
There’s really no reason to live anymore..
All I do lately is sleep, sleep and sleep even more..
Nobody understands this depression that I’m going through.. Everyone is so insensitive to me and my feelings and most of all my current situation..
I’ve got no-one to speak to..
Its really hard when at this age you have to move back in with your parents especially when you have kids..
My mother doesn’t even help me with the kids.. All they do is complain about how rude and bad my kids are..
They are their grandchildren in the end of the day.. Can’t they sEe that I’m not well and need help with them..
I was deep in a comfortable sleep where I was having a fairly good dream when all of a sudden I heard a pest calling my name right beside me…
I groaned loudly and covered my head with the pillow
“What the hell do you want now? Can’t you sickening kids just leave me alone for a little while?… A person can’t even sleep In peace without you irritating me”
“Mummy… Its important, I need to tell you something…” It was fayaaz…
“Well it can wait… I’m not in the mood for your stupid little stories right now…. Just get the hell out of this room…. NOW!!!!!” I screeched so loud that he instantly evacuated the room..
Why do I always feel like this?
I turned onto my back and stared at the ceiling… I don’t have one bit of inner peace.. I’m frustrated and angry and its all altafs fault…
Kulsum keeps blabbing on about reading and making dua… Since when did she become so holy?
And besides… How can I sit and make dua.. I’ve made dua before but look where I landed up?
Allahs just punishing me when I did nothing wrong in my life.. I mean I wasn’t even such a bad person.. Fine, I hardly used to read all my namaaz’s , but people do worse things than me and look at how much they have in life?
I tried blocking everything out and trying to fall asleep, but I couldn’t so I got up to find me something to eat..
I’ve been picking up so much of weight lately… I’m fat and ugly and nothing fits me anymore.. I’ve been living in my sameera kaftans all day because its the only thing that fits right now and I don’t even feel like brushing my hair or putting any make-up.. Why should I? For who? I don’t even go out of the house anymore because it sickens me to see people happy when I’m not..
I could hear fayaaz talking to my mother and then it struck me… The kids are not even supposed to be here.. They were invited for some ‘special’ lunch at their irritating grannys house..
“What are you doing here brat?” I asked harshly… “Weren’t you supposed to be gone to your grandmothers house? What? She didn’t make enough food for everyone? Stingy memons that they are and now you came here looking for food? …”
“Oh! Now you want to know why I’m here? But when I came to tell you, then you weren’t interested and you chucked me out of the room…!” Fayaaz back answered
I slapped him across the face.. “Don’t you dare back answer me you little twit! ”
He stood up clearly shocked at what I’d just done, not that I don’t beat them up often, but he just wasn’t expecting it..
“I don’t know why I even bothered to come tell you… I hate you!!!” Fayaaz blurted out and ran to his room
“For what did you hit him on his face like that rukaya? Enough is enough… If you are going through some kind of issues, don’t take it oiut on anyone else… Sort your blady self out now.. We are all sick and tired now of your moods… How much longer are you going to go on like this?” My mother started with me
“You old hag… I expected you out of all people to understand me and what I’m going through… I’m just sick of all this… I wish I could just run away and go somewhere…” I started to cry
“What’s new? Everytime something doesn’t go your way, you want to run away.. Go! Go run away.. No-one is going to worry to come looking for you again in the middle of the night.. ” My mother hit back at me
We were halfway in the middle of our argument when my father walked in, sweat dripping all over him.. He looked distraught and like he’d just woken up from his worst nightmare..
Jumuah mubarak everyone.. Rem me in your special duas….