part 332:

“Bismillahir rahmaanir raheem”
-in the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful-

Altafs point of view

Every person has their turning point in life… That time when things either change for the better or the worse… Those moments that make you who you really are…

I woke up to the sound of my little ebrahim wailing.. Sajida stood at the side of his cot cradling and rocking him back and forth trying to soothe him back to sleep without a sound probably being her considerate self and trying not to wake me in the process..

I lay still in bed just admiring my wife, wondering if our lives will ever be normal.. Where I won’t have to hide her any longer.. Where I can give her the true happiness that she finally deserves.. But ofcourse I was never going to do it without her consent.. I would wait Forever even if I had to until she was ready to face it all..

I’d given up completely on rukaya.. My feelings were dead completely towards her… I honestly never thought such a day would ever come where I would despise someone who I’d once loved enough to have kids with… And the fact that we were now out of nikaah, meant that that bond was broken… The bond of nikaah and the feelings that are shared between a couple within the confines of nikaah is just different and indescribable.. And now, there was nothing. It was empty..

That’s the beauty of nikaah.. And Allah knew this, that’s why he made it such a sacred sanctuary.. Where 2 complete strangers became one and loved eachother unconditionally..

No doubt I loved rukaya.. Loved! Past tense.. But her actions and constant nagging and misery had pushed me away slowly but surely.. There’s only so much that one weak human can bare.. At some point we all crack and can’t do it any longer..

I often thought of how my kids would react once I broke the news to them about sajida and I and about their half brother ebrahim.. Yusuf was old enough and he was mature enough now to understand so I wasn’t really concerned about what he would say… And he had the support of a deeni inclined woman who would steer him to the right decision, if ever he over reacted..

And besides.. It would be a bonus for him because he and hafsa get to keep the mansion all for themselves while I would move in with sajida and her mum here..

The other kids are who I worry about. Thamina is very quiet and reserved, she’s the different one and she and her mother never really saw eye to eye, so I’m sure she’ll be more than thrilled to have a motherly figure around now.. But you never know with teenagers today and how they’ll react.. I just hope she doesn’t become rebellious and try all kinds of crazy things to get back at us..

Its sad that my kids have to suffer this way because of rukaya and I not agreeing.. But honestly, this is only for the best.. It would be utterly pointless to continue such an empty relationship just for the sake of the kids..

Our fights get severe. Rukaya tends to throw things when she’s angry.. She’s known for breaking cellphones and vases around the house.. Everything suffers the consequences of her anger and the thing is, for how long am I expected to tip-toe around her? What haven’t I given her? I tried hard to give her everything that any woman would want and need.. I never abused her or ill treated her. I gave her all the freedom she wanted.. So what more?

I’ve asked her parents over and over again to take her for testing because if she really did have a problem, I would accept and stand by her. I would support her, care for her and look after her making sure that she pulls through successfully.. Some people genuinely have psychological problems and its not always their fault, but if they admit it and get help or medication, they can actually lead normal and happy lives..

But I guess that’s what made me the bad guy of the family.. Everyone was angry at me for even considering that the woman needed help..

With regards to my relationship with sajida.. Since rukaya and I are no longer married, it honestly is not necessary for me to even inform her.. Its actually none of her business really.. We are no longer one. We are 2 free separate human beings.

So if I have to find out that she would like to remarry.. I really wouldn’t feel anything.. I’ll just feel the guy terribly sorry.. And wish them all the happiness together…

And trust me, once the word is out.. There’s no way rukayas not going to hear about it in this crazy, bored little indian town that we live in

silent living-foreveramessup.wordpress.com

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