part 173:

‘Bismillahir rahmaanir raheem’
(In the name of Allah, the Most kind, The Most Merciful)

Ismails point of view:

Everyone thinks I’m the most pathetic, uncompassionate, sinful piece of crap ever to walk this earth….

Maybe I am….I agree, I’m rotten….but I have my reasons…I’m not justifying….what’s wrong is wrong….but why can’t faaiza understand that I wasn’t brought up around people who are deeni inclined…

I was brought up in a totally diffeent environment to her…yeah my parents read their salaah, but whether we did or not, never really bothered them…

We were never reprimanded or told for not performing salaah, going to the masjid..or anything for that matter…I always just lived….

Yes they criticized my every move but never guided me to do good….

So now when faaiza tells me to do this or that..I can’t take it..I just can’t..I’m not used to someone telling me what to do or how to live…

I’m the type of person that hates to be pressurised…..don’t force me to read salaah..don’t put the kitaab in my hand and tell me I have to read out loud to everyone…don’t come to my house and insist that I have to leave everything and go out in jamaat…

Talk to me with wisdom…tell me the virtues of something…..and automatically I will get the love of it and yearning to want to do something…

But the minute someone demands from me, I switch off…

I’m sorry…but that’s just me…..you may not like my attitude..but deal with it….

I’m also not used to showing my emotions…faaiza keeps on nagging and asking me whether I really love her or not…freak!!!if I didn’t love her, why would I still be here…

Why can’t women understand that men don’t show emotion the way they do…

I tell her that I love her everyday….everytime I speak to her on the phone my last words are…”Ok love you”

So doesn’t she get it?

I’m not the type to keep buying flowers..I did it a while back…but that’s enough…..why spend so much of money on somethings that’s going to die in a few days time?

And if I buy her chocolates, I’m going to end up eating it before she can even get to them….

As for pool on friday nights…its clean fun…I enjoy it…its a hobby and I love games on my phone too…it just destresses me….faaiza needs to understand that we all are not on her level….she may find peace and solace in reading quraan and praying…..by all means, no-one is stopping her….I know that I’m supposed to also find peace and solace in that…I’m not saying I don’t….I love listening to qiraa’ah and lectures by prominant ulamah….but I’m just lazy to open up the quraan….

To tell you the truth..I haven’t opened up my quraan in over a year…..I know I should be ashamed of that….faaiza actually bought me a quraan when we got married and wrote a beautiful hadith on the front page in calligraphy….you know faaiza and her artistic nature…

She even filled in some notes at important places for me…like the virtues of certain surahs…and some interesting facts at surah yusuf…that’s my favourite surah…I used to listen to it all the time…but I mostly enjoy it when qari abdul baasit recites it in his youth…

I tried performing all my salaah, but that too..I got lazy….

So now I decided…why must I even bother when I can’t stick to anything…..it doesn’t last…

But faaiza swore me for that also….
“Allah will forgive you no matter how many times you slack…..He loves us more than a mother loves her child….and He gets so happy everytime we fall and get up again and again….” And blah blah blah…

Ey I don’t know…seriously…

So you see,I’m not all that bad…I’m just lazy…like many people nowadays..shaytaan just has us wrapped around his little finger…

May Allah give us all hidayah oneday before its too late….

Its not that I don’t want to be a good and pious person…I would love to…..but its just so hard….to start when you’re an adult and have already made so many mistakes, its harder than when you’re a kid and already taught the right stuff…

faaizas tough on the kids..but she does it in a good way….she really is bringing them up well…and I don’t stop her from teaching them what’s right because its for their own betterment….I don’t want them to end up like me…and I just take the backseat at disciplining them because I know she has it all covered…..

And now that ramadaan is coming….eish….as much as all the aunties stress about savouries…I also start stressing….

Fasting is something really difficult for me…..I’ve never kept all my ramadaan fasts in my whole life..its too too hard…I’m a smoker..I get terribly cranky if I can’t have a smoke and when I’m hungry……I see RED!!!

Every year so far, I’ve been with my father, and the days I don’t fast, I had to hide in the store room or toilets to hit a gwaai….

This year I’m my own boss……I don’t have to hide from anyone….but what I feel guilty about is the fact that my kids fasted most of their fasts last year…..eish…what kind of a role model am I….I’ll try inshallah…just make dua!


Authors note:
Inspirations page updated

silent living-foreveramessup.wordpress.com

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “part 173:

  1. sister/in/Islam says:

    Its soo true .. We hav2 use hikmat / wisdom when we r trying to help people come back on2 the straight path !!
    Win them over with love and kind words .. Being harsh and criticizing them only pushes them away .
    May we b able to help others with gentleness and by also being good role models – ‎​​​​آمين
    Awww shame !! Ismail is rite – it is harder when u r older, cos u soo set in ur ways now !!
    May ‎​اللَّهُ make it easy for all of us … ‎​​​​آمين

    ‎​​​​جزاك الله

  2. Sister A. says:

    Shooh! Ismail is so messed up. Ӑℓℓ due 2 his upbringing. It is definately difficult 2 mk these changes °̩и adulthood after living such a free life 4 so many yrs. Bt, Ismail needs 2 change his attitude & start makin an effort 2 change. ɪ̇Ƒ he’s goin 2 feel sorry 4 himself & kp saying its so hard 2 change, he will remain where he is 4 life. Faaiza must support him & encourage him ώĩ†̥h lots of Hikmah. I also think dat he shud connect himself 2 a shaikh
    who will help him mk his Islaah.

  3. Very interesting post from Ismail’s side. True how upbringing influences how you turn out to be. May Allah grant all those who’ve gone astray hidaayah

  4. @-}-- says:

    Shooh scary!!!tarbiyat has such a great impact on a person.
    May Allah help us 2bring up our kidz the correct way…
    Its so true.only by stating the virtue will a person fall in love with doing th action..

  5. zana says:

    i agree with Sister A.
    As with anything in life if you want to succeed you have to work hard there is no such a thing as being lazy. You want something you go for it.
    Faaiza is doing what she is because she loves you. Ok maybe she needs to change her approach. But you are going to have to want it for yourself. You have to want to be a better person for yourself and no one else. All you need to do is make the intention and our allah makes it easy. our nabi s.a.w. said something to the effect (Verily your actions depend upon your intention)
    As for the smoking, like i tell my hubby its will power and asking allah for it. Shukar with my hubby he has that. lol but the minute iftaar is over we all know his outside smoking. may allah give all those who smoke the hidaayat to stop. But the effort has to come from within

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s