part 169:

‘Bismillahir rahmaanir raheem’
(In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful)

Doc was quiet for a while and then what he said really wasn’t what I’d expected…

Dr:”suicide dear, is highly recommended….”

I was utterly taken by surprise at his answer…I expected him to shout and go crazy and tell me to calm down…but here, he was calmly telling me that its ok….and that he infact recommends that I kill myself?

Me:”WHAT?!”

Dr:”let’s see…we can discuss the best possible ways for you to do this..what do you say about this?”

He was strangely very calm while telling me this…

I didn’t know what to say……I was dumbfounded…there was silence on either ends of the phone and then doc spoke up….
“So faaiza dear…..to understand the best method in your case, tell me why exactly you’d like to commit suicide…”

Me:”because….I’m just sick of my life..I’m lonely, I have no-one…I’m not good enough for my husband and I’ve been through more than I can handle in my life…no-one respects me…I’m a failure..at everything…..my marriage is a failure….my life is a failure…I am a failure……”And I burst out crying….

Doc:”you know what your problem is?”

Me:”yes!I’m a failure….”

Doc:”no faaiza…your problem is that you keep looking at those people high ontop of the mountain and then you’re deciding that you’re a failure because you haven’t even started to climb the mountain….”

Me:”huh?”

Doc:”my dear..the one frightened of climbing the mountain will forever live in ditches…..stop sitting back and allowing people to take advantage of you because you are too scared…stand your ground and be firm…….nobody is a nothing…everybody is something..but if we keep on comparing ourselves to others who apparently are more successful than us, then we will always be a failure…..stop! Be yourself….be happy…and everytime he tells you something to lower your self esteem, tell him that you are not that…..and believe it at the same time….tell him to stop playing mind games with you anymore and that he should decide if he wants you as his wife or not…..you are not afraid of being alone and you can and will survive without him…..”

Doc was so right….As long as we look at what everyone else has and say to ourselves that we are soft and just the way we are and we can never change..then that’s how it will be…I can’t keep feeling sorry for myself…but the only person that will benefit and change truly…is the one who does not surrender to his own errors…

Me:”but I am afraid doc…what if he starts abusing me again….hurting me and throwing me straight back down again?”

Doc:”I’ve got another client due any minute….but I will leave you with this one piece of advice dear…your skills of dealing with others determines on how they deal with you…best of luck my dear…assalaamu alaykum”

I ponder over those words and repeated them over and over again…

“Your skills of dealing with others determined on how they deal with you….”

That was deep…but its definite..maybe the way I’ve been dealing with ismail has made him treat me the way he does…maybe my manner or way of talking to him makes him angry…

He did say a few times that he hates it when I scream at him…he switches off and doesn’t feel like listening to me…

Doc wasn’t actually trying to encourage me to commit suicide…I suppose he knows how to deal with people like me who are on the verge of suicide…who have lost all hope…

If a person really wants to kill them self, they’ll do it without hesitation…but in most cases a suicidal person announces that he’s going to commit suicide…that’s a cry for help…they don’t really want to do it..or even have the guts to do it…they actually want attention…they want everyone to stop them and listen to them….

I felt terribly embarrassed….for even thinking about suicide…what was wrong with me?is that how low my imaan has become, that I was willing to take my life…

How selfish of me, when I have little kids who are dependant on me…who need me…who wake up and look for their mother…all just because one trial that I was faced with seemed more than I could handle?

I feel terribly ashamed of myself…..I took my musallah and cried to my hearts content…I needed Allah in my life..I needed saviour from shaytaan and from the evil thoughts he was whispering into my mind…

I was contemplating something so evil, something totally against the wishes of Allah….I have to come to Allah…

I begged Allah to forgive me, for thinking such pathetic things..for being so weak, for not putting my complete trust in him….

How could I think that suicide would put an end to my sufferings?it will only make it worse…because once a person takes their life, their punishment will be that they will continue taking their life in the same manner till qiyaamah…and they would feel the immense pain over and over again…

If I couldn’t handle the simple trials of this world, how would I withstand the torment of the life after?

How amazing is Allah….he is ready and willing to forgive His servant immediately….

When we are accused of an illegal act and are taken to court, how embarrassed we feel….and once we are proven innocent, we feel so relieved, yet our name will be tainted forever…in the court of law, our name will always have that act written under it..so to say ‘black listed’ forever…even though we were innocent…

But in the eyes of Allah…if we, His servants, commit a sin..are guilty of even the most disgusting sins, but then turn to Him in repentance, not only will He relent upon us, but will erase that record from our books completely..there won’t be a single trace of that sin evident…Allahu akbar(Allah is the greatest)….and Allah will transform those sins into good actions for us..

So when we return to Allah and find heaps and heaps of good deeds, we will ask Allah to whom do they belong as we do not remember performing so many good deeds…and the reply will be that infact those are your evil deeds that we have turned into good deeds due to your sincere repentance…

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7 thoughts on “part 169:

  1. sister/in/Islam says:

    Awww !! Poor Fay !!!
    Feeling unwantd n unloved is not a nice feeling …
    N suicide is DEFNTLY not the cure or answer !!

    if you are sad, complain to none other than Allah:

    Innamaa ashku bath thi wa huzni illallah.
    إنما أَشْكُو بَثِّي وَحُزْنِي إِلَى اللَّه 
    ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓

    ‎​​​​جزاك الله

  2. A says:

    ALLAHu Akbar!!! Such beautiful lessons to be learnt from today’s post, it’s so true that wen we feel low we allow others to trample all over our feelings and feel we are only worth so little but don’t realize it is our attitude that allows others to treat us in that way
    Also الله is awaiting us with open arms to turn to him and with الله is forgive and forget in the true sense that is everything is made to forget ur wrong bcoz u turned to الله in repentance
    جزاك الله خيرا for all the beautiful lessons in today’s post

  3. I remember learning about that in psychology. Where when you tell someone that you’re going to commit suicide its actually a cry for help and more often than not the person will not commit suicide. Allah save us all from such thoughts and situations. Sometimes we all need to be reminded that Allah is always there for us, we just need to turn to Him

  4. zana says:

    Welcome back mrs author.
    Hope you are well rested

    Life throws so us many curve balls
    Buf in the end we have to be strong for ourselves
    You have to make yourself important and look after yourself no is going to that for you
    We know its hard when people say Things about you thats so not true. But don’t let anyone or anything get bring you down always think positive and remember our allah
    Nobody is allowed to live in your brain rent free. Kick them out if they are😊

  5. Sister A. says:

    Doc left Faaiza ώĩ†̥h food 4 thought. True, ones attitude 2wards da way others treat one mks a difference °̩и one’s life. At times sum pepl allow others 2 trample over dem jus 2 keep da peace,hoping dat things will eventually change 4 da better. Unfortunately, things don’t always get better bt, instead get worse wher da oppressors see it as a weakness & tk advantage of da innocent person. Imprtnt points highlighted 1nce again sis SL. ({}) جَزَاكَ اللهُ خَيْرًا

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