part 168:

‘Bismillahir rahmaanir raheem’
(In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful)

Back to faaizas point of view:

Since we hadn’t been for counselling in a couple of long weeks, there’s been occasional outbursts from ismail….I tried to remain calm but all the nightmares would catch me again and I’d start quivering….

Especially on a saturday….his mood was pathetic…

Ismail has adopted this new hobby ever since aqeel got married and was out of the picture…..every friday night he would hang out with his friends playing pool at one of their houses from after esha till midnight…

I couldn’t stop him…..because dare I say anything, ismail would retaliate by saying:
“You don’t let me do anything…I also need a damn life….you can’t control me and tell me what to do…I don’t care what you say…its my blady life…”

Its a total no-win situation….I just let him do as he pleases…atleast there was no tension in that way…and maybe he did need a little bit of space from me….we couldn’t always be together….he also had a life..he was right…

But what annoyed me was the fact that I always had to be home…seeing to my responsibilities of the house, the kids, him, meals…..do I not also deserve some kind of free time?just to chill and do nothing..or to do something that I enjoyed?do I not have a life too?

I was cooped up in this house 24/7….I’m not the type to run around in the street with friends….for shopping or coffee or lunch or spas…..I’m not the type to just leave my responsibilities….and just not care….and I’m not saying that that’s the type of life that I want…..but all I want is some free time of my own…to just switch off and not do anything…

Salma is now married and I’ve lost almost all my friends since I got married…or rather since ismail cut me off from the world…

My cousins are busy in their own world and most of them are out of town…

I can’t even count on my inlaws to fill in that void and loneliness…they’re more pathetic than anything else..

Dadi and dada….well shame, we see eachother the whole day…how much more can we possibly say to eachother?besides, they’re old and have their own ideas…

I don’t mind doing what I do, but sometimes it gets to me…when was I supposed to have some space?from everything..and everyone….

I felt this way mostly on a saturday….I wished to erase saturdays from my calendar….ismail would sleep right through the day…..and if I dared to wake him up or make a slight noise in the room…gosh…the insults were endless….they would stab deep within my heart…

But the most ironical part of all of this was that on a sunday, once all the tiredness had disappeared, ismail was back to normal…..like nothing ever happened….

This type of behaviour was just not acceptable….aqeel was a great friend to ismail and really good company for him….but ever since he and salma got married, obviously his responsibility is to his wife first…

I wish ismail could understand that….that your wife and family is your responsibility first….that he would be answerable to Allah for how he deals with us and how he neglects his duties towards us…

Fair enough, he works hard from monday to friday…and the garage was not an easy task to take on..but that is his duty….its every mans duty to work and support his family…

But He never has to buy food or groceries in the house because dada feels that as long as he’s alive and living with us, its his duty to make sure that we have everything…

And if I did happen to mention ismails saturday moods to him…..he would deny it and tell me that I’m talking ‘crap’..no such a thing even happened…..and I’m making it up…

(Sigh)…..why is my life ‘forever a mess-up’?

Things were taking a turn for the worse again….okay he wasn’t physically abusing me like before…so shukr for that.. but the mental and emotional abuse was becoming too much to handle…

I’ve had enough of suffering in my sorry life…I’ve had enough of dealing with all my issues…I had enough of feeling alone and unwanted….

Ismail had this way of making me sometimes feel like a nothing…like I’m worthless and that nobody would ever want me, and at times he would make me feel like I’m everything…this confused the crap out of me..it was making me insane….

having to deal with all the rumours his family had spread about me was just the damn cherry on the top…I was not crazy…I was just emotionally drained….

One gloomy day I really couldn’t handle it anymore…I needed help…because I was losing it..I was reaching a point of depression and I felt like taking my life away……

When ismail was away at work and dada and dadi were out visiting a relative who was ill and the kids were at school, I found it the perfect opportunity to call dr ahmed……our counsellor…

If ismail didn’t want to go anymore, I still needed counselling….

After greeting and reminding him about who I was, I immediately cut to the chase….

Me:”….I can’t take anymore suffering..I want to just end my life….I want to die!I can’t live anymore..I’m fed up…and sick and tired..I was born to be miserable and suffer forever…”

silent living-foreveramessup.wordpress.com

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16 thoughts on “part 168:

  1. The Ulama often get complaints of this sort. From both sides. You don’t have to be a doormat,Islam doesn’t teach that. Will comment further as time allows. Her husband is a slacker of the first water, needs a klap or two …of the metaphorical sort but she also needs to get rid of her victim mentality

    • Deff more to cum on this inshallah…there are many who face this and constantly feel like they are being victimised..hope someone can take benefit from faaizas situation inshallah….feel free to post solutions from ulamas point of view with regards to this inshallah…

  2. Agreed. Strongly believe when a guy gets married, friend should be out of the pic. Your best friend is your spouse. It is so common in our community, it’s scary.
    Faaiza needs to stand up for herself. Excellent points, sister!

  3. Sister A. says:

    This is a common situation °̩и our community, unfortunately. Its good dat Faaiza sort help frm the councellor who ωɪℓℓ kno how to guide her through dis situation. There’s a limit to how much a person can take °̩и life wen undergoing difficulties. Just as everyting has a limit, °̩и the same way there’s a limit to the amount of Sabr dat a person can make. Glad Faaiza made dis move as she cannot remain a victim ӑℓℓ her life. She’s put up with dis situation 4 far too long & is now °̩и depression which can lead 2 suicide. She needs immediate help as she has already made suicidal comments.

    • Sometimes we can sort our problems out ourselves…but most of the time the best thing to do is ask for help from others..

      Some people find it hard because of the fact that people are so quick to judge and also because they don’t want people to have pity on them…

      But turning to someone more knowledgeable is always best…

  4. sister/in/Islam says:

    Faaiza just doesn’t hear from me for few days n she goes in2 a Depression !!
    What I told U Mrs S ??? …
    Lol .. Just kidding ..
    On a more serious note … This is BAD .. For Fay and the baby !!! Just wen we thought that Ismail was the doting ,caring , loving hubby !!!! Old habits die hard … Hang in there Fay .. We love u .. Hopefully all goes well for her ..
    Turn to ‎​اللَّهُ … ‎​اللَّهُ loves U ..

    ‎​​​​جزاك الله

    Plz make everything go well for her !! No more forever a mess-up !!!! PLeeeeeeZe

    • Eish….what an effect ur biryani making is having on this poor faaiza…give it up now….and come console faaiza…

      No more foreveramessup?hmmm..ok…will discontinue the blog……hahahha..;)

      • sister/in/Islam says:

        I nver sed STOP the BLOG !! *talk to the hand* … I sed no more forever a mess-up … So that means – change the name to a positive one n then everything will work out fine ‎​​إنشاءالله ..

        An aalim mentioned that names have an effect -not only names of people but even sayings on clothing ..
        My son had a T-shirt which had some calligraphy-kind of writing .. Weneva he wore it , he threw a tantrum n was always crabby … Wen I inspected it .. I saw it read .. “I’m a scary little monster”

        So we must always b careful cos those kind-of sayings DO have an effect .. Like “little rebel” , “troublemaker ” n all negative things ..
        We may discard it n say , its only a T-shirt , or a hat .. But it really does matter ….

        Sooo !!! What’s the NEW name gonna be ??????
        ;p

      • Lol……

        But then there would be no story if there weren’t mess-up..

        Then I would have to talk about all things that are good and rosy and that only happens in fairytales..lol

        But very true about the effect of names and sayings etc…

        Even giving kids or ppl silly nicknames…..

  5. A says:

    Poor Faaiza, just wen everything was going right then Ismail started being his irritable self lol
    Hope things work out for Faaiza bcoz it can become frustrating sitting cooped up in the house nd no one to talk to, maybe it’s tym she found a spiritual mentor to guide her
    Men like Ismail take advantage of soft women who they know have no one else

  6. R says:

    The thing here is some men just don’t ‘get’ women. They don’t understand that women NEED attention, in fact we CRAVE it. I’m married a while now, have had my fair share of ups and downs in my marriage, PND etc but alhamdulillah have managed to pull through and the only thing that I can advise any woman that feels the same way as Faaiza is to pray. The key to it all is salaah and duaa. There may even be a time when you feel your are doing it for no reason (and I’m ashamed to say that that is the lowest point) but just continue and you WILL see a change; a change in attitude (from both persons) , a change in character and even a change in expectations, because it all is just a test from the Almighty Allah. HE WILL help you out of it, you just need to turn to Him.

    • May Allah make it easy for u and every single woman or man that is going through a tough tym…most deff…I hope that the men reading this realize how much we women crave their love and attention…I often say, we don’t care about money or material things..all we really want is their attention and appreciation..

      Jx for the great words of encouragement sister!

  7. May Allah save us all from marrying men like Ismail. Just makes you worry what type of man you’ll end up marrying 😐 however it is a test from Allah. Allah tests His strongest soldiers with His toughest battles

    • Ameen and may Allah grant u a spouse who is loving, caring, understanding and fearful of Allah….ameen;)

      Luv that…want to add that to inspirations page inshallah…

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