part 164:

‘Bismillahir rahmaanir raheem’
(In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful)

When ismail came home for lunch, I had to pull myself together, I didn’t want him to know that anything was wrong…we could discuss this in the evening rather when there was more time….lunch time was too short a time to cause a commotion…

I forced a smile onto my face and made sure my eyes were not puffy from all the crying…

Maybe it was just this pregnancy that was making me very emotional….

The entire morning I sat in my room crying, and now in the afternoon once everyone was gone I sat again thinking about my life…

How much I’d been through..how I’d pulled through everything…

The loss of my mother at the most crucial time of my life-teenage years, daddys accident, his not recovering quick enough, and then his sudden passing away when I’d just had hope that he’d recovered…

I thought about how difficult its been for me to get over and deal with my parents death…..but I really was not crazy because of it…no-one knew what I felt like…

I didn’t even have any siblings to understand me or be there for me…

And then there was the hell I’d been through living in the same house with my inlaws..having to deal with their rotten behaviour towards me…

My sister in laws always insulting and attacking me, my mother In law never pleased with me…

And then ismail….and his abusive nature…he abused me physically,emotionally and mentally…but that doesn’t mean I’m crazy….

Why would they spread such nasty rumours about me like that…?and to people who I don’t even know….

And then suffering through this pregnancy in the beginning and losing my little one…even though it was in the beginning stages, but it was MY baby that was inside of me….

I honestly am human and there’s only so much that a human being can handle…

I know I’ve got so much to be grateful for…

Like my beautiful kids who are so respectful and obedient..my grandparents…ismails slight change…being out of my inlaws home…

But I feel like I’m slipping into a slight depression…I feel lonely…I feel sad and useless…and hurt and like a nothing and a no-one….all these years of suffering has really taken a toll on me…

I thought about how to approach ismail about what his mothers telling people…

I waited for supper to be over and once we were relaxing in the room I started talking…

Me:”(nervousy)…babes…..dadi doesn’t want me rolling pie dough this year….she says its dangerous and she doesn’t want anything to happen to the baby…”

Ismail:(playing with his phone)”hmmm…so don’t!”

Me:”so she told me to phone this one aunty that makes and sells pie dough and savouries…..”

Ismail:”(uninterested)ok”

Me:”so I phoned the aunty……apparently your mum and them buy food from her….do you know her?her names aunty khudeja?”

Ismail:(still staring at his phone)”ha uh”

Its so damn annoying to have a conversation with someone who doesn’t even look at you when you’re talking to them…

Me:”babes! Can you please put your phone down and listening to me…I’m talking to you…and this is serious and important”

Ismail:”I’m busy playing a game….and I’m listening….with my ears…what’s so important?”

Me:”forget it…..”

Ismail:”talk!I’m listening”

Me:”well this aunty thinks I’m crazy….your mother and them told her that I became crazy after losing my parents….is this what they’re telling everyone?that I’m bipolar…am I crazy babes?(Angry)”

Ismail:”you don’t even know if its true, the aunty could be making it up….”

Me:”oh really?why would she make up somethinng like that?about someone she doesn’t even know..?”

Ismail:”you know how some aunties are…they got nothing better to do with their lives….”

This conversation wasn’t going anywhere…ismail was so unreasonable…couldn’t he see what his mother was doing?

Urgh….just forget about it fay…..its absolutely useless talking to him….I should rather just keep my thoughts and problems to myself…

I’ve got no friends to confide in and I can’t even confide in my own husband….

And there..the waterworks again….why am I feeling so sorry for myself?

I know why…because no-one else feels sorry for me..that’s why!

And again…I cried myself to sleep that night and ismail didn’t even bother consoling me…


Authors note:
Jannah page updated
Inspirations page updated

silent living-foreveramessup.wordpress.com

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “part 164:

  1. sister/in/Islam says:

    Awww maan !! Poor Fay !!
    Just hang in there cos u may just end up like wat they making u out to be !! Be strong !!! N turn to ‎​اللَّهُ …

    Urgh !! Ismail ??!!!! Come ON !! Be sympathetic …

    ‎​​​​جزاك الله

  2. A says:

    Poor Fay, been through so much on life n when there seemed to be brightness in her life then another curve ball hits her to derail everything
    I can understand how Fay must be feeling bcoz sometimes wen u need to speak to ur husband n he doesn’t seem interested then u feel even worse bcoz u thought u had him there for u n now he shows u a ‘don’t care’ attitude
    Hang in there Fay, الله is with u through all ur difficult times

  3. zana says:

    Aww faaiza you know we are all there for you😊 we will listen when ever you need us and I promise we wont sit with our phones

    And remember you are never alone. You have your allah and you cam talk to him any time. Sit on your musalla and cry and talk your heart .
    It happens whether you pregnant or not sometimes you just feel like no one loves you but turn to allah and make zikr which helps so much
    Don’t let this cause a problem with you and ismail. People are not worth worrying about. It hurts but remember what goes around comes around

  4. zana says:

    Someone asked Life:
    Why are you so difficult…????!!!
    Life Smiled and said
    “You people never appreciate easy things”…:) 
    ——————————
    Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness,
    but because you �deserve peace… �
    —————————-
    Unbelievable fact —
    Our body is full of water, but wherever it hurts,
    blood comes out.
    &
    Our heart  is full of blood but,
    whenever it hurts,
    TEARS comes out.�
    —————————-
     If you have a “magnetic” personality and yet people don’t get attracted to you – it’s not your fault.
    They have “iron” deficiency in their bodies. �;-SHH
    —————————-
    Coolest msg. . . . . .
    “if we sleep on flowers, its called our first night”
    “if flowers sleep on us, its called our last night”
    Reality of life….
    —————————-
    Pearl of the Day:
    “If You want to feel Rich,
    Just Count All The Things You have…, That Money cannot Buy.”

  5. rooksana says:

    Hmmmm. Wonder y ismail is behaving sooo weird. Feel soo sori 4 fay she being thru enough in she life she does need dis nw.
    Sooo short post (sad). Plz post oda post.

  6. Sister A. says:

    Argh mahn! Ismail. He’s so inconsiderate. Fay & Ismail need 2 spend quality time 2gether evry nite where dey giv each other undivided attention. Dats wen dey can discuss their issues & da days happenings. He was engrossed in a game while spkn 2 Fay & did not even realise da seriousness of wat he was been told. Poor Fay! She doesn’t hav any1 else 2 confide °̩и. Turn 2 ﷲ. He is always ther ever redy 2 listen 2 us.
    In life evry Đά̲ƴ is not goin 2 b smooth sailing. From tym 2 tym life ωɪℓℓ throw a curve ball at you. How you deal with da situation is wats imprtnt. As 4 Ismail’s famly, dey 4got dat da world is round & wat goes around comes around.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s