part 151:

Back to faaizas point of view:

Shukr salmas wedding went off remarkably well…..perfection in every possible way..mashallah…

Its like a new road that you venture on, you’re afraid of getting lost or taking the wrong turn, and when you’ve finally reached your destination, you cannot believe how superbly you’d got there….

I envied her..not in a way that I’d want what she has to be taken away from her…no..never in that way…..I envied the fact that she’d passed one of the greatest test of todays time..that she went totally against what the norm is….that she didn’t care about turning to a man previously for love or comfort or company….and she did things in a way pleasing to the Almighty…

She didn’t wait and worry about irrelevant things like what people would say that she jumped at the next available man that came along….or that he was married previously..or that it was done in a matter of a day…….all she ever cared about was Allah…..and that’s what made everything run so smoothly…

Her day and days were filled with noor that unfortunately I hadn’t witnessed…

I unfortunately lost out…I unfortunately chose comfort in haraam when I’d lost everything…when I had no-one to love me, I didn’t choose Allah…I chose a man……a man who claimed to love me and flatter me with his false personality…a man who is and was always unable to sustain or provide any kind of security to me…..

I broke the laws of Allah and took away the barakah of my life by cuddling and smooching before it was halaal for me…..

I always consoled myself and said that it was fine because he was the only man that I’d had in my life and he was the only one that I’d married….

But now that I look back….with a regretful heart….I know that I was wrong….Allah didn’t make it permissible for me to have any relation with ismail before my marriage….he didn’t say it was okay because I will oneday be his wife……

That feeling that salma probably had after her first kiss with aqeel, was a feeling that I couldve had, had I chosen the correct way of doing things…

I can’t blame it on my lack of knowledge..on being ignorant…because I wasn’t…we were taught that it was wrong to be in a relationship…for a girl and guy to be anything with eachother, be it friends or an accomplice…it was wrong…and I knew it…

I can’t blame it on the fact that I had no-one to stop me….because I did..I had my own self to stop me…my nafs…it told me to stop and save myself….but the evil of my nafs..my inner soul told me to continue…I was an adult and knew my boundaries…?!

I can’t blame anyone but myself for the mistakes I’ve made…for the barakah(blessings) I’d lost….for the harm I’ve caused to myself and my imaan……

Allah alone knows how I lament on these issues of my past…how I wish I could turn back time and change the way I did things..but I’ve learnt that that is life…we can’t change what has happened in the past..it can never be erased. No matter what we do, we will be constantly reminded of the mistakes we’ve made…but….what we can do is make sure that we, and the ones we love around us, don’t make the same foolish mistakes that we have…..

I invited salma and aqeel over for a meal one of the days….gosh they were like damn celebrities….invited somewhere almost every night….but I could wait…..whenever they were available….just to catch up with my dear sister..I miSsed her so much but I knew she was in brilliant hands…and I didn’t worry about her one bit..

They agreed that monday was good as aqeel would be going back to work and salma could spend her first normal day with me…great!…enough time to find out how married lifes been treating her thus far…

On sunday after lunch ismail hooted for me to come outside…

As I walked toward our ‘smashing’ golf, which was strangely parked on the road and not in the driveway, he hopped out of the drivers seat and had a bizarre grin on his face…

The kids ran out just after me, wondering who was hooting and why I suppose..and also had confused looks on their faces….

Riyaad:”daddy? Where are we going?”

Ismail:”you and diya go back inside son…..mama and I will be right back k….”

What was this man upto?and where was he taking me?

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17 thoughts on “part 151:

  1. sister/in/Islam says:

    Its soo true that the feelings u get afta marriage are soo pure and wonderful – wid no guilt n no sin !!!

    @least Fay realises wat she did was wrong – its a lesson for all of us !!

    Hmmm … Wonder wat Ismail is up2 this time !!!

    ‎​​​​جزاك الله

  2. rooksana says:

    Its sooo different after marriage its like another feeling. Bcz u no dat everythg u do wid ur husband is halaal ?
    We shud all tk lesson 4rm fayza mistake. Allah guide all those who are not married n those who r married. Ameen
    Ismail is always full of suprises. Wonder wat he up 2. I thk he teaching fayza hw 2 drive hmmm

  3. Must be really hard for Faiza to live with soon much regert, I guess all she can do is pray for Allah’s forgiveness, because Allah is most forgiving, most kind.

  4. A says:

    Poor Faaiza, soo much regret for not doing the right thing, she needs to make Taubah n ask الله to fill her marriage with Barakah
    Also she needs to let the past go n look to the future
    Wonder what Ismail wants to show her

  5. ummihs says:

    just gotta love aqeel and salma they too cute and I wish that for all my unmarried sisters.
    I know of few ladies who didn’t date or speak to guys before marriage they were like salma, pure. but had marriages like fay.
    sometimes Allah tests different people in different ways.
    To all those who are in pysical or mentallly abusive marriages keep making dua and working on your marriage.

  6. Masha Allah sister, I’m sure a lot of people have those regrets but a lot of sisters have also suffered even if they never really dated before marriage. Our Taqdeer is already written, and sometimes those obstacles and trials bring us closer to our Creator, eventually. That’s what I sincerely believe, as I have seen it happen.
    Drug addict, Alchoholic, abusive husbands have changed their lives completely, and sometimes that would have never happened if the two had not been placed together. There would never have been an urge or motive for him to change, but through her, he has taken that step. Allah has truly used the two to perfect each other, in His beautiful way. Look at Faaiza and Ismail, for example. One person can make all the difference.
    JazakAllah for the post today, much appreciated.

  7. zana says:

    We all have regrets just like faaiza. And after reading all these lovely posts I wish I could also turn back time and change the way we did things. BUT our allah is so forgiving when we make tauhba and ask for forgiveness.
    We have to learn from every mistake and experience and become better muslims Inshaa-Allah. Make dua that our children don’t make the same mistakes.

    Wonder what ismail is up too now.

  8. Sister A. says:

    Hmmmm ! Regrets ……
    We should ӑℓℓ learn frm our past mistakes & not let dem repeat demselves.
    Now wat does Ismail want 2 show Fay?

  9. zaki says:

    I hav the same thoughts as zana. But Allah is all-forgiving n loves when we turn to him, so we should continue asking for forgiveness n for hidayah.
    Ms S.L : maybe the title of ur blog should change now, cos every1 is improving n no longer complete mess-ups! 🙂

    • Deff…..

      There’s still loads more to come dear…so just sit back and wait…this is reality….no-ones lives run smoothly forever…we all have ups and then ometimes have downs again…only fairytales have happy ever after endings……

      So we shall stick to the title…lol

  10. Kabes says:

    Assalamu alaikum
    Could you kindly forward me the Dua that Faaiza read for guidance ?? It was mentioned alot but for the life of me I can’t seem to find it please ?
    Your writing is excellent and subhanallah many ppl are taking something away …
    Sooo you keep writing and be the inspiration that you always been .

    • Walaykum salaam sister..

      Jx soo soo much for that..may Allah accept and grant this blog success…inshallah..

      The dua you’ve requested in the short istikharah dua…

      It is allahumma khirli wakhtarli
      “Oh Allah choose for me and choose the best for me”

      Hope this is the dua that you’re looking for..

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