This is an extra post because I have new readers in new zealand….jx to everyone that follows this blog religiously.. 🙂
Dr ahmeds secretary called early on monday morning to say that he won’t be available for our session on thursday as he has to go away to durban for a conference…..so if we would like we could rather come in on tuesday morning….
I confirmed with ismail who agreed…
Our session this week was a lot about my emotions and feelings…in a way I was quite glad to finally get it all off my chest, but I was really afraid of how ismail would take it….
Doc:”I want you to imagine that we’re not here and say whatever it is you’d like to that has affected you in any way possible okay?you think you’ll be able to do that?”
I sighed heavily and buried my head in my hands..
“I’m going to try…..”
Where was I supposed to begin…..
Me:”well….my life generally was quite happy as a kid….I’d always seen my parents so happy together and the love that they shared between eachother was so contagious, it made everyone around them just want to be loving and compassionate and understanding…..slowly but surely that all came to end when mum died….as much as dad tried being normal and tried to continue with that love.it just wasn’t the same..we were like a perfect puzzle and 1 very important piece was lost…that puzzle wasn’t so perfect anymore….and then when dad passed away it was even worse….the puzzle was no longer…how could a puzzle even be called a puzzle with just one piece only….I became withdrawn….as much as everyone tried to be there..it would never be the same…no-one could show me the love that my parents did…..until oneday I found ismail……or rather ismail found me….”
I kept my gaze lowered all the while that I was talking…playing with my ring…taking it off and putting it back on….I looked up at this point and saw ismail smiling…
How could I go on? Whatever I’m about to say is going to hurt him and take that smile off his face…how will he handle how I used to feel….maybe I should just not continue…I was interrupted from my thoughts..
Me:”ismail gave me all the love and attention I needed over the phone and whenever we were able to get together…he was perfect and I could always be myself around me..I thought I’d finally found my ease and happiness….until 2 years after meeting him we got married….(Pause)….and then my entire life fell apart!”
I was so scared…I really hope what I’m about to say is not going to tarnish our relationship in any way…things were getting better…was it even necessary to bring out the past..its over..its the past…it was as if doc could read my mind…
Doc:”in order to move forward, we need to let go of the past..and the only way to let go of the past is by talking it out…so don’t be afraid…”
Me:”okay….(Sigh)…ismail changed..he wasn’t the sweet person that he was while we were ‘seeing’ eachother…I felt neglected as he was either always working or out with his friends..leaving me alone with his parents who hated me….well they still do….I would miss the old ismail and await for him to be home….however when he was home I wished he would just go away…he was so nasty…he would say the most hurtful things to me….he would talk to me with either very little or no respect..like I meant nothing to him….at times I used to feel like he doesn’t even love me anymore…I used to feel like I was his greatest foe…and the harder I tried to impress him or please him….the worse his attitude towards me would get…then the beating started…..I couldn’t handle it…at first I’d pushing him away from me and tell him to get away from me and not hurt me…but then he used to turn things around and tell me that I’m hitting him…and how could I hit my own husband?…so eventually I gave up defending myself…I used to just allow him to beat the living daylights out of me….there were times I’d wish I’d die from the beating…so that my misery would end….what was there to live for?I considered committing suicide..I wanted to overdose myself…or strangle myself do death….but then I was pregnant and I was worried….what if my babies died and I’d still be alive…..I felt like I was in a maze….lost and can’t find my way out…what is my solution? Is there any solution? When will it end?or won’t it ever…”
I paused to blow my nose..doc had a box of tissues on his table infront of us….he was standing up looking out of the window..I peeped at ismail from the corner of my eye..he was looking down….it took a lot of courage to continue..
Doc:”was ismail the only problem that you feel you had in your marriage?or was there anything else obstructing your happiness?”
Me:”well…yes!…we were living with my inlaws….which was quite tough….everything I did was watched…from the time I woke up, to what I’d cooked, to who’d call me…everything…I had no privacy….I mean even my trash was checked…”
Ismail looked up at me with surprise…
Me:(looking at him)…”How else did your mum find out I was pregnant?she looked threw my rubbish every morning…I only found that out now recently…anna told me”
Ismail shook his hand in disbelief…..
Me:”I didn’t mind all that I did for them..I wanted to be the best daughter in law..I thought I could win my husband over by being good to his family..I slogged really hard..but in the end I got no appreciation…..they would insult me to my face daily…..my mother in laws words sting like you can’t believe…”
Doc:”did you ever bring this up to ismails attention…?”
Me:”no!.I felt it was unfair to him…why should he have to choose between me and his mum…who’s part would he take..besides…there were few times they’d assault me infront of him, but he never stood up for me anyway…so I thought there wasn’t any chance of him helping me in any way…”