Post 3 of 5 for today….
I dialled ismails number but I hid my identity..obviously if I didn’t he would never answer..it rang for a long while, I almost thought he wasn’t going to pick up…just as I was about to give up and put it down….
Ismail:”hello(very chirpy voice)”
It stung in the depths of my heart..that here I was mourning the loss of my husband and marriage while he was so happy and carefree…
I plucked up the courage and said:
“Ismail please don’t put it down….just listen to what I have to say…”
There was silence…..
Me:”Ismail….I’m sorry..does it have to be this way?can’t we just talk it through?”
Ismail:”what’s there to talk about?you ran away… I’m moving on..”
Me:”I didn’t run away ismail….you chucked me out..you told me to leave…”
Ismail:”no I didn’t…is that what you telling everyone..you left…on your own…do you hear me?”
Ismail:(cutting me off)..”say it!you ran away!or I’m putting this phone down and don’t ever call me again..”
Me:”NO!WAIT!…okay I’m sorry….please don’t put the phone down…we have 2 kids on the way…please let’s make this marriage work..I’ll do anything for you…”
Shit…what did I just say in a moment of desperation?…what was he going to make me do…?
Ismail:”if you want me to take you back then you have to live under MY conditions..I don’t think you’ll agree…so I’m not going to waste my time..”
Me:”I will..I will…what conditions…just tell me..anything to make my marriage work….please!”
Ismail:”you will live with me…you are not allowed any contact whatsoever with anyone..not even your grandparents….you are not allowed any phone calls…because you just want to make me bad infront of everyone…I will go out whenever I feel like and you have no right to question me…even if I come home at midnight….can you live with that?(Pause)…oh yes…and I’ve got someone else on the side…and you have to be willing to accept that also…?”
What the hell was this man asking me to do….these are totally impossible conditions….
Ismail:”so?you decide….and phone me when you’re ready..”
And he cuts he call…
The sad part was that I stupidly accepted his conditions..a week later I was back in my mother in laws house…it was more tense than ever…I was walking on pins…so afraid of one wrong move..I never told my grandparents about the conditions..they’d never let me go back like that…but I had no choice..how were my twins going to grow up with a single mother?without a father…what would everybody say about me?what would they tell the community..?.we live in the same town….we were bound to meet at some point..how would I deal with it.?..and so I went back to the suffering….
The talaaq was just 1 normal talaaq which meant that ismail could take me back just like that without having to reperform our nikaah or anything..just by merely saying that he wants me back or by touching me etc…
My head hurt….I looked at the time and it was already 12 o’clock…I needed to get some sleep….why was I even depressing myself about the past? When here I had a completely changed man lying next to me…a man who’s trying to give me the happiness I always wished for…
My pillow was wet..I didn’t even realise I was crying while thinking of those horrid past experiences…I wiped my eyes, turned around to face ismail who I thought was fast asleep and put my arm around him…I still couldn’t believe that he was changing..but I was just so happy…
Ismail held me back….tightly…and after years we actually slept for the rest of the night holding eachother..