Post 4 of 5….one more to go people…..:)
So as promised we ended up leaving immediately after tea….
The road home was tense and I couldn’t help but cry the entire way home…
How did this man who was so caring and loving before marriage turn out to be so horrid?was this some kind of a punishment to me by Allah for doing things the haraam way?for dating him and being in contact with him for 2 years before actually getting married…
This just proves that you only get to know someone once you live with them….
There’s just no barakah in dating I thought..I regretted my past actions…I regretted doing things the wrong way…I regretted marrying this beast…I wish I’d married someone better..someone with more deen…
I wish my dad was here…to give me advice..to help me in my marriage..to tell me how to deal with this kind of behaviour…
I wish my mummy was here…to talk to…as my best friend and tell her what I was going through..I felt alone and sad..I felt like a loser..like I’d failed in everything…like ismail owned me…like I had no choices or rights in my life…
Well atleast things seem to be changing abit..alhamdulillah with the help of Allah….
Me:”dadi and dada, you get some sleep now, its been a long day for us aswel, we should probably also hit the sack….(Hugging each one of them)….see you in the morning….love you!”
We got to our room, changed into my pj’s and jumped into bed….ismail was so loving to me and after so long I actually felt pleasure in getting intimate with him….
Not long after, ismail was fast asleep….snoring away!I tossed and turned for a while, but just couldn’t fall asleep….I guess I got so comfortable in my own room, my own bed….now I’d have to get used to a different bed…a different atmosphere all over again….except I didn’t mind this time..it would be for the best though inshallah….
The last time I’d been to stay over at dadi’s house was when I was expecting the twins…but that was another horrid experience…I didn’t choose to stay here..I was forced to…thrown out of my house….
Just thinking about it gave me shivers….oh no!I didn’t want to have another nightmare again….
Why were all these past memories haunting me so badly…I couldn’t take it anymore….I needed to think of happy things, happy moments, happy memories….
Unfortunately there weren’t many happy memories in the past 7 years…the more I tried thinking of happy memories, the more my past haunted me and all the bad memories would flow through….
Now instead of being happy that I was lying in bed next to the man I love on our way to a happier future, all I could think of was the last time I’d been in this house…without the man I love…kicked out by the man I love….