part 31:

*NOTE*

I know this post is waaaaay before its time but I was just excited to post it….soooo enjoy!!!

 

Ismails point of view!

 

Well where do I begin…..everyone thinks I’m strong and macho…I have no feelings, no heart, no compassion, no regrets…

 

Well its actually quite the opposite…

 

You see…my life hasn’t been as rosy as everyone thinks…I come from a very abusive childhood…my father may seem like a yaa baas to everything my mother says..but he wasn’t always like that…they say my fathers been married a couple of times before he finally settled down with my mother…how many times exactly? I have no idea..that’s never been discussed before and neither has any of his wives been discussed either…

 

When I was little, my sisters and I were abused really badly by both my mother and father…the minute daddy would come home from work, my mother would complain of all the mischief we’d been upto for the day…I was a boy, I loved exploring…I loved plaing with insects and getting my hands and clothes all dirty..I thought that’s what all little boys did…but not to my parents..to them that was extreme naughtiness that was never excepted..I would get beaten over and over again for things like that…that’s why my bond with my kids is so different…I love my kids and never want them to go through the same as I did..I would never lift a finger on them…they’re kids after all…

 

With all the abuse through the years I lost my self esteem…I wanted to be the best in my parents eyes…I wanted to show them that I wasn’t a let down…however, the more I tried, the more I let them down….

 

My teenage years were hectic…playing around, the occasional weed, smoking became an addiction..partying, raves…you name it..

 

I had my own set of wheels so it was easy to get around..I didn’t have to be tagged along with the tannie and topi anymore…

 

As much as my mother nagged about getting married, I just wasn’t ready….I hadn’t found ‘the one!’…..until I met someone who stole my heart from the very first day I seen her stuck in the rain in her broken down car…

 

I had 3 girlfriend at the time but I dumped them all for her…I felt that connection and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.. She wasn’t like other girls who spent hours trying to look like a barbie doll..she was simple yet stunning inside out…her character was so positive and bubbly and she was the one I wanted to mother my kids….I knew she’d do a perfect job…

 

But that’s where I disappointed my parents yet again…when I told my family about faaiza…all hell broke loose at home..they were furious….they didn’t want some orphan child, as they described her, as their daugher in law..

 

For the first time in my life I didn’t care…I loved her and I was in no way going to let her go…I fought and fought until the end…

 

Once we were married, we had no choice but to live with my parents as I was working for my father and couldn’t afford my own home. That’s where I was wrong..living with my parents was the worst decision I’d made…I still had the stupid idea of wanting to please my parents..and with that I didn’t realise that I was neglecting and ill treating my wife in the process..I was torn between my mother and my wife…

 

The abuse obviously stopped as I got older, but the pressure from them never stopped…it was tough living upto their expectations…

 

I admit….I used to beat fay up really badly sometimes…and once I smoked and was abit calmer, I’d regret it…I guess it was all the frustration over the many years of abuse…faaiza was weaker than me or so I thought…she was softer….and she would never retaliate..that made me continue every time….I also knew that she loved me too much and had nowhere else to go so she would NEVER leave me no matter how much I beat her…

 

To be honest, it felt good taking out my anger….until 3 weeks ago when I bashed her against the dressing table and she fell to the ground and didn’t move for a while….

 

I never told her but that’s when I decided to stop…obviously I’m a man and I’d never lower my ego and tell her that I felt guilty for what I’d done…but if I didn’t stop, I was going to lose this woman who was my only love and support…why should she suffer more than she already has for what my parents have done?…ever since that day I made a vow never to lift my hand on her…yes I do get worked up still and take my anger out on her by snapping at her..but I’m human and hopefully that will stop too in due time…

 

Today when my useless family isn’t anywhere near to stand by me, look after me or help me…its my wife that’s there, holding my hand and guiding me all the way….I love this woman with all my heart and I never want her to leave….that’s why I’m so possessive over her..I don’t want someone else to realise her worth and take her away from me..that’s why I don’t allow her to go anywhere or keep in contact with anyone…I’m scared of losing this beautiful gem and I’m scared that she’ll get the courage to walk away from me..

 

But now we’re in a situation…her grandparents are so kind to be doing all of this for us…I mean a free complete home…a job…a business of my own….4 times the amount of wage I’ve been receiving my whole life…but….I don’t know….I don’t know if I can do this…taking from your inlaws is just not on…..what if they hold it against me for the rest of my life?..that I’m dependant on them…what if they rub it in my face oneday?

 

I think I’m going to decline all the offers…I can’t go ahead with it…..I have to tell faaiza right now…

 

 

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22 thoughts on “part 31:

  1. Shabana says:

    Swallow your pride Ismail. Nobody else but your kids and Faaiza are going to end up suffering if you decline. I don’t think this is a great time to act like a superhero.

  2. zana says:

    Not all people are like your parents Ismail. Some are really genuine. If you do decline it will hurt faaiza in a way. And I don’t think they will hold it against you for taking the job. All they want is what is best for their grand daughter.

    Ita understandable where you coming from . But have faith in allah. Onlt allah knows where your rozi will come from

  3. yumz says:

    nooooo Ismail dont do that her grand parents are not like that they would offer it to you in the first place if they planned on throwing it in your face at a later stage. please dont turn down this amazing opportunity for the sake of your family. great post.

  4. a95r says:

    “obviously I’m a man and I’d never lower my ego and tell her that I felt guilty for what I’d done.”
    If you’re a real man, you’ll ‘man up’ and confess and ask her forgiveness, and if u do that she’ll love you even more.
    He should put aside his pride and accept the offer, not everyone is like his parents.
    How your childhood stays with you for your whole life.

  5. Faati says:

    So gud to hear Ismial p.o.v
    ouch u had a difficult life shame…
    agg jus stop being such a spoilt spot
    Not every1 r like your weird horrible parents
    Dada is so kind and generous,and treating you like his own grandson and you wana decline the offer..all he wants to see is happines..
    Ur pride wont take u far in life,
    think about your kids,faaiza and baba to cum dnt make a haste decision, read istikara & then give ur answer….

  6. sister/in/islam says:

    Awww maan – too good 2 b true – come on Ismail – b a MAN !!
    Shaytaan loves 2 bring us down wid pride , n dats wat he’s doin here – whisperin in Ismail’s ears !!
    My husband always says he hates men who hit der wives , he says dey r cowards and weak – ladies r so much weaker in strenght ,how can dey evn retaliate ????
    Anyway , let’s see wat he decides- hope he doesn’t make any rash decisions !

    • So true what ur hubby says…men who hit their wives..eish..it just happens so often..there are too many abused women…may Allah make it easy for them all and grant all men who do it hidayah…nothings impossible…

  7. Sister A. says:

    NHmmm issues frm da past!!! Glad Ismail realised his faults & wants 2 change. He needs 2 realise dat not evrybody is lyk his famly. He shud put his pride aside & accept da offers as, gud opportunities don’t cum one’s way ӑℓℓ da tym. Faaiza’s grandparents r so kind & supportive. He shud do dis 4 da hapiness of his famly. جُمُعَةُ مُبَارَك ❤

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