part 53:

The ball is in my court now…but its also not fair of me to take advantage of his delicate nature at this moment…I love this man with all that I have and I’m willing to pull through another couple of years to make sure he’s stable…

 

What wretched parents he had..I always knew my mother in law was a witch..but to this extent?do they not realize the damage they’ve caused to not only their sons life, but to mine aswel?and if he didn’t decide to change then to my childrens life also…

 

I have to be the main pillar here..I have to be strong for this broken man….who has many regrets that are eating him up in his life….

 

I have to be the one to make sure my kids have a better upbringing than he did…

 

I have to be the one to hold this family together..its upto me to either make this…or break it….

 

I hugged ismail…..and I kissed him like I’ve never kissed him before..passionately…so that he knew what it felt like to be truly loved….he needs every bit of extra attention,affection…and every bit of pampering…..I’m going to make sure he knows what its like to be happy and successful….

 

I still had my arms around his neck while he held me around my waist….I looked him deep in the eye and said….

 

Me:”we going to pull through all of this side by side my love…as from today…there’s a brand new beginning for us….we going to live like we have no more worries..we not going to brood over the past and the mistakes we or anyone else has made…we going to love eachother and no-one else and we going to give our kids the best that we possibly can….and we going to do all of this together..okay?”

 

Ismail hugged me again and kissed me crazily all over my face making me giggle…atleast this whole depressing picnic was starting to get abit light hearted…

 

Ismail:”come on!….you going to starve my little baby in there..bring me that basket and let’s see what yummy treats my gorgeous wife packed for our romantic picnic..”

 

I blushed like a new bride…I felt like a new bride..well ofcourse….we were starting from the beginning of our marriage..making right what was wrong….

 

We enjoyed ourselves acting like little kids…tickling eachother and talking of only good things…it felt so good to have a friend again…and ismail didn’t leave me for a second…his one hand was around me throughout the afternoon..

 

 It was nearing asr already..I couldn’t believe how time flew….like they say…”Time flies when you’re having fun”…..atleast I know I don’t have to say goodbye to him..his my husband and we can make new happy memories every single day….and actually we were getting rewarded for all this by the Almighty…

 

How great is Allah…that for taking enjoyment in your spouse..spending extra time with eachother..making eachother laugh and smile…we are getting rewarded for every second of it…truly amazing our Creator is….that for every haraam thing, there’s a halaal alternative…so why do we always turn to the haraam instead…strange are human beings honestly..

 

We packed our things up into the car and drove home..ismail held my hand all the way home..he didn’t let go…not even to change gears..he did that even with my hands in his….I felt so in love…

 

Me:”please stay the way you are…I love you like this…..(And I gave him a peck on his cheek)”

 

Ismail:”luv you…with your help sweetheart…I will…just promise me that you’ll never leave my side?ever?”

 

Me:”I promise I won’t….actually…there was a friend of mine from school that I remember did psychology…I think she opened up her own practice just out of town….maybe I should try and get her number from someone…”

 

Ismail:”err…I actually would prefer going to a man love…if that’s okay with you?…and someone who doesn’t know too much about me or my family…a stranger sort of…”

 

Me:”ok…sure…we’ll find someone..maybe I can ask her, since she’s in the field, if she knows of any males…preferably muslim…they’ll know how to counsel us with proper islamic advice…”

 

Ismail:”us?(Raising his eyebrows)”

 

Me:(smile)yeah!you did say you want me to always be by your side didn’t you?(Innocent smile)but if you don’t want me to come with you its fine(pouting)”

 

Ismail:”(kissing my hand)ofcourse I want you with..(Smile)..I was going to ask you but I didn’t know if you would agree…I’ve put you through so much…I’m sure you also need to speak out your fears and heartaches…it will do us both good..”

 

Me:”you put me through so much?when?(Sarcastic)”

 

Ismail laughed and hugged me close to him while driving…

 

Instead of driving straight home, he stopped at aqeels office….

 

Ismail:”I hope you don’t mind…I just needed to stop by and collect something?I won’t be long….sorry?”

 

I looked at him confused….and then just smiled…

 

Me:”its okay..but don’t take too long k….its going to get late for asr…”

 

 

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part 52:

Me:”I want to know..if you really loved me so much….why did you divorce me before?I know its a long time ago..but it always works on my nerves and I just need closure…..”

 

Ismail:”the day after you left lovey….when my mum called from mozambique..I told her that we had abit of a fight and you’re gone back home…I should never have done that…she blew everything out of proportion and chotikhala told everyone at the wedding that I was divorced and looking for someone else to get married…their cousin insisted that her daughter was interested in getting married and since we were famly..she should be first preference..I didn’t know all this…until they got back…and insisted that I divorce you because they gave their cousin their word and how will it look if they change their mind now..I refused at first because even though we were separated and I was still abit pissed with you, I never considered divorce….again we had a major fight and chotikhala made my life a living hell….”

 

Me:”that’s why you hate her so much?”

 

Ismail:”yip…..and so they forced the decision on me and before I knew it my mum phoned dada to convey the news…”

 

Me:”so they were considering another marriage when you hadn’t even sorted your first one out?that is just sick…so what happened to the girl you supposed to marry.?”

 

Ismail:”I wasn’t always so faithful to you fay…I was quite unfaithful a few times…In the time we were not together I went back to my old playboy ways…I was chatting to another woman…but it was just that..nothing more…I didn’t like my mothers cousins daughter..after she sent me a pic of herself I wasn’t happy at all….so I just stopped chatting to her…there’s something else you need to know..”

 

Me:”babes..please..just stop..I don’t know if I can handle any more just yet….its just too much to take in….”

 

I swallowed really hard and tried to keep my tears in…I’ve been so faithful till now..I have NEVER looked or even spoken to any male in my entire marriage..I even cut my cousins out of my life..and here so much has been going on behind my back?

 

Me:”I feel like a real fool..all these years…I’ve only been giving and sacrificing and trying to please you and your family while you’ve all..including you..have been making a total mock of me behind my back…?!”

 

I was so hurt..it only keeps hurting because I love this man so much…

 

Me:”if I didn’t love you I wouldn’t feel all this pain….”

 

Ismail:(putting his hand on my cheek)…baby…please! YOu said yourself..its all in the past…I promise I’ve been really faithful to you for such a long time…I realised that no woman will ever come close to you…you are naturally beautiful…loving, caring, compassionate..generous…you have such a big heart..you’re simple and never ever demand anything from me..you are faithful and do everything with so much of perfection….”

 

Me:(cutting him off and taking his hand off my face)…”So how far have you gone with other women?”

 

Ismail:”it wasn’t many other women…it was my mothers cousins daughter who lives all the way in London..so it was just chatting…and she used to send me pics all the time….but like I said..it didn’t go further than that with her..and then…..umm…there was one other woman….she was a friend from before I got married….and…err..I sort of met up with her that same day that we had that fight..that’s why I was late home…but I promise babe..we didn’t do anything that day…we just spoke..like old friends…”

 

Me:”oh?so you didn’t do anything with her on THAT day so what did you do with her after that?(My blood was starting to boil)”

 

Ismail:(taking my hand into his and looking down…rather guilty)…I’m only telling you this because I want to start afresh…I’m not telling you all this because I want to hurt you love…”

 

Me:”did you not think that you would hurt me when you did all these pathetic things?tell me!how far did you go with her(clenching my teeth)…?and who the hell was this slut?”

 

Ismail:”her names farzana….we were old friends..I told you…I used to talk to her over the phone a few times…we used to chat..I just needed comfort after you were gone..I felt neglected..I needed love…”

 

Me:”wouldn’t it have made more sense to come to your wife for freaking comfort?instead of running off with some whore….ugh…I feel disgusted !”

 

Ismail:”we met a few times but once she started coming on to me, I just didn’t feel right fay…she was too forward..I couldn’t handle it…we kissed…once..but that was as far as it went..because she tried going a little further but I stopped it there and then….I didn’t want to..I still loved you…you were still my wife…I was still married to you…and when I gave you all those ultimatums…it was just a test..to see if you loved me enough to still come back to me…”

 

Me:”who the hell did you think you are?to test me?(Disgusted)”

 

Ismail:”I wouldve still taken you back..even if you didn’t agree to the conditions..”

 

Me:”and once again….fay the fool!(Looking away)”

 

Ismail:(touching my face and turning it gently to face him again)…”You not the fool baby…I am…I am the fool for messing with you for so many years…I am the fool for almost losing you…I am the fool for not being a better person…its me!not you okay…just look at yourself…who you are?how strong you are…!and look at me?what a useless piece of s*** I am…”

 

Me:”so why NOW ismail?why all of a sudden this great change?for who are you doing this?what’s your ulterior motives this time round…”

 

Ismail:”for you!for myself..for our kids….no ulterior motives….the last time I hit you…you were out….lying there helpless on the floor…I was stressed and worried that I’d murdered my own wife…I’d be locked up in jail for the rest of my life..I would burn in jahannam forever..I sat there next to you and I promised Allah that if he kept you safe and alive I would change..I’ll do everything I can to change for the better and I’ll get help..that’s why I’m doing this..I want to change….I love you..and I don’t want to ever lose you..you can see I’m trying so hard…so hard baby..please…”

 

And more tears were rolling down his cheeks..he was sincere..I could tell…but how was I supposed to deal with all of this…I don’t know if I can….what should I do?

part 51:

*note*

So my lovely sisters…here’s our final post for today…enjoy…..and make special dua for me and my family on this auspicious day of jumu’ah…jumu’ah mubarak to every person reading this blog….

 

Zana…this is your final dedication…

 

A few new pages have been uploaded on this blog..check them out..and they will be updated shortly inshalah…

 

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We had breakfast and I got a few things ready as ismail requested I prepare a little picnic basket for the 2 of us….

 

I fried a few savouries and made some quick sandwiches..loaded a few snacks and munchies into a basket and had everything ready…I rushed upstairs to shower and get dressed…

 

It was exactly 12:30 when I was finally ready…so I decided to perfom my zuhr salaah before we left….I asked ismail if he’ll be joining me for salaah to which he reply in the affirmative alhamdulillah…I begged him to make imaamat so that the 2 of us could read in jamaat but he refused…he was acting all shy about it..so we continued and read our salaah…

 

I noticed that ismail only read his 4 fard..but I didn’t want to say anything..atleast it was a start..inshallah he’ll get the hang of it and start performing his full salaah…there’s so much of reward in that..imagine my own palace in jannah.?…ooooh I can’t wait to get there…inshalah….but that’s if I’m even worthy of going to jannah…a person can hope and pray though…

 

I didn’t want to push ismail and make a fuss of just his fardh as that might just discourage him from performing his salaah on a whole…

 

We left dadis house shortly after I’d performed my salaah and ismail drove to victory park…

 

It was a week day so the park was relatively quiet..we chose a shady little spot under a large tree near the kids play area and laid out our blanky…

 

It was quite a lovely day though and there were just a few people walking their dogs a 1 or 2 odd ladies watching their kids playing on the jungle gym…I already missed my kids..I’m so used to them always being with me….

 

Me:”we shouldve brought the kids with..they wouldve really enjoyed this whole play area….”

 

Ismail sat leaning against a tree with his legs stretched out, he pulled me to sit inbetween his legs and held me around my waist…

 

I felt so awkward..yes I know he’s my husband and it was all halaal but I’m not used to all this affection in public…we’ve never been like this before….

 

I breathed in and decided to rather just enjoy every moment rather than stressing about what did and did not feel normal…I needed to accept that things were changing…

 

Ismail:”I’m glad we didn’t bring them…don’t get me wrong…but todays just about you and me my love…”

 

He held me closer to him and kissed me in my ear…a shiver ran down me..I was always so sensitive on my ears and he knew that….

 

Ismail:”I love you(he whispered)”

 

Me:”I love you too…you’ve been so good to me….umm..lately…please don’t change…I’m really very happy for the first time in my life..”

 

Did I just manage to say that?oh no!I hope he doesn’t flip…

 

Ismail:”well that’s why I wanted this day..you said we needed to start afresh…and the only way to do that is by starting from the beginning..there’s a lot that I need to come clear about with u fay…a lot that you don’t know…”

 

I turned to face him and held his face in my hands…

 

Me:”baby I don’t care about the past..the past is over..now we need to worry about the future…our future…a happy future…together as one big happy family…”

 

Ismail:”you don’t understand baby…I need…..(And he sighed heavily and stopped)…”

 

Me:”what baby?what do you need?”

 

Ismail:”(taking my hands off his face and holding it in his hands)..I need help…”

 

Me:”help?with what?(I was confused)..if you’re worried about the fillig station…don’t!dada said he’ll send you for a few courses..and that will help you a lot..”

 

Trust me to be so daft…

 

Ismail:(laughing lightly and then kissing me on my lips)…no baby…its more serious than that..I really need help…professional help…”

 

I was stunned to silence..who was this man with a heart that has emotion and feeling suddenly?and what has he done with the heartless ismail?frankly I don’t care..I’m just glad..whatever he’s done with him..

 

Me:”what do you mean baby?what for?”

 

Ismail began telling me about his childhood…I noticed how his voice changed throughout whatever he told me from fear to anger to hatred to one of total loss..and defeat…

 

Me:”I’m married to you for 6 almost 7 years and you’ve never mentioned this to me before….even before we got married love…we were together for 2 years before we got married….I opened up to you about my entire life…why didn’t you tell me?(Concerned voice)…I could have been there for you all these years..you didn’t have to suffer all that in silence….”

 

For the first time since I’ve known ismail I seen him tear and then the tears turned to heavy sobs..he cried into me like a little baby when he desperately needs some comfort…

 

I held him for as long as I could…I didn’t utter a word…I allowed him to do what always made me feel better…crying…..

 

Ismail:”I’m a coward fay…I’m a loser and I’ve failed badly in every possible way…and if I don’t get help at this point in my life I’m going to lose the only good thing that I have left…I’m going to lose you and my kids……”

 

Me:”no you’re not a loser…you’re not a coward…I totally admire you for admitting to your wrong…I admire you for wanting to change..this is Allah that had done this for you..he’s chosen you from the millions there are in the world and decided to give you hidayah….He loves you baby…and I love you…you will never lose me….if I ever wanted to leave…I had many opportunities in the past..I couldve left..but I didn’t..because I’ve never loved anyone in my life the way I love you….throughout our time together..the only thing that kept me going was hope…and that’s what’s going to keep you going..because hope is what every believer needs to hold on to…even when we were divorced and you gave me all those conditions..I couldve left..but my love for you was so strong..I could never just give up on you..and today..just having your arms around me makes me feel sooo glad that I had hope then…and that I chose to hold on to this marriage…”

 

Ismail had a genuine smile on his face and he hugged me so tight….

 

Ismail:”I’m sorry…for making it so hard on you…for all those stupid conditions I put on you..what was I thinking?it was so unfair…..”

 

Me:”I told you..its all in the past..forgiven and forgotten…(Pause)…except for one thing I’d just like to calrify while we are on the topic…..but I want the whole truth and nothing else…..”

part 50:

*note*

Here’s post 4 of 5 for today….:)..just one more to go….

 

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My alarm rang for fajr and I quickly switched it off..I was so tired..it was so difficult to wake up…I decided to turn and have a quick snooze before waking up…but then I felt guilty..what if I didn’t wake up at all and missed my fajr….Allah would be so angry with me and then everything will go wrong for the rest of my day..its the least I can do for Allah is be punctual for my salaah..its for my own good in the end of the day…

 

I wasn’t sure if I should wake ismail up…I was scared to wake him up but I also felt responsible…he was starting to change and went for esha last night and I would be answerable to Allah if I didn’t make an effort to wake him up for fajr..

 

But also he’s just beginning to change..what if he’s not ready for fajr as yet…

 

I just put the thought to the side and decided to sort my own actions out first…I went to the bathroom, made wudhu and started contemplating again whether I should wake him up or not…

 

I walked a little closer to the bed and then stopped…I was scared..ismail hated being woken up from his sleep..what if he started hitting me again…?

 

Ok maybe he won’t….he’s changing…I walked to his side of the bed..sat down slowly next to him and kissed him gently on his cheek…

 

Ismail opened his eyes for a moment….and closed them again…then he put his arms around me and pulled me to lie down with him…

 

I felt so safe in his arms..I didn’t want to move away but I had to read salaah…

 

Me:(whispering)…”I love you”

 

Ismail smiled with his eyes closed..

 

Me:”(still whispering)its fajr time…I’m going to read salaah…you want to join me?”

 

He frowned…gave me a kiss and turned around to go back to sleep…

 

I too was tired from the whole nights thinking and crying…so I performed my salaah and jumped back into bed…and only woke up at 10 the next morning…

 

I turned to look for ismail….he was also stil in bed…but abit awake also….

 

He stretched tiredly….

 

I put my arm around him,kissed him and rested my head on his chest…

 

Me:”had a good sleep lovey?”

 

Ismail:(yawning)”slept like a king….with my queen holding me the whole night…(Smile)”

 

Me:”Its 10 o clock..I’m starving..I should get up and make us some breakfast…and I’m already starting to feel nauseous”

 

Ismail:”yip let’s get up…I don’t want you starving my little baby there…make sure you look after that little one…”

 

Me:”and we’ve got so much of unpacking and sorting out to do today..”

 

Ismail:”can we start tomorrow love?I need us to spend some time together..we can leave the kids with dada for the day…there’s a few things I need to talk to you about…”

part 49:

*note*

Post 3 of 5 for today….

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I dialled ismails number but I hid my identity..obviously if I didn’t he would never answer..it rang for a long while, I almost thought he wasn’t going to pick up…just as I was about to give up and put it down….

 

Ismail:”hello(very chirpy voice)”

 

It stung in the depths of my heart..that here I was mourning the loss of my husband and marriage while he was so happy and carefree…

 

I plucked up the courage and said:

 

“Ismail please don’t put it down….just listen to what I have to say…”

 

There was silence…..

 

Me:”Ismail….I’m sorry..does it have to be this way?can’t we just talk it through?”

 

Ismail:”what’s there to talk about?you ran away… I’m moving on..”

 

Me:”I didn’t run away ismail….you chucked me out..you told me to leave…”

 

Ismail:”no I didn’t…is that what you telling everyone..you left…on your own…do you hear me?”

 

Me:”ismail I…”

 

Ismail:(cutting me off)..”say it!you ran away!or I’m putting this phone down and don’t ever call me again..”

 

Me:”I..I…”

 

Ismail:”bye faaiza…..”

 

Me:”NO!WAIT!…okay I’m sorry….please don’t put the phone down…we have 2 kids on the way…please let’s make this marriage work..I’ll do anything for you…”

 

Ismail:”hmmm….anything hey?”

 

Shit…what did I just say in a moment of desperation?…what was he going to make me do…?

 

Ismail:”if you want me to take you back then you have to live under MY conditions..I don’t think you’ll agree…so I’m not going to waste my time..”

 

Me:”I will..I will…what conditions…just tell me..anything to make my marriage work….please!”

 

Ismail:”you will live with me…you are not allowed any contact whatsoever with anyone..not even your grandparents….you are not allowed any phone calls…because you just want to make me bad infront of everyone…I will go out whenever I feel like and you have no right to question me…even if I come home at midnight….can you live with that?(Pause)…oh yes…and I’ve got someone else on the side…and you have to be willing to accept that also…?”

 

What the hell was this man asking me to do….these are totally impossible conditions….

 

Ismail:”so?you decide….and phone me when you’re ready..”

 

And he cuts he call…

 

The sad part was that I stupidly accepted his conditions..a week later I was back in my mother in laws house…it was more tense than ever…I was walking on pins…so afraid of one wrong move..I never told my grandparents about the conditions..they’d never let me go back like that…but I had no choice..how were my twins going to grow up with a single mother?without a father…what would everybody say about me?what would they tell the community..?.we live in the same town….we were bound to meet at some point..how would I deal with it.?..and so I went back to the suffering….

 

The talaaq was just 1 normal talaaq which meant that ismail could take me back just like that without having to reperform our nikaah or anything..just by merely saying that he wants me back or by touching me etc…

 

My head hurt….I looked at the time and it was already 12 o’clock…I needed to get some sleep….why was I even depressing myself about the past? When here I had a completely changed man lying next to me…a man who’s trying to give me the happiness I always wished for…

 

My pillow was wet..I didn’t even realise I was crying while thinking of those horrid past experiences…I wiped my eyes, turned around to face ismail who I thought was fast asleep and put my arm around him…I still couldn’t believe that he was changing..but I was just so happy…

 

Ismail held me back….tightly…and after years we actually slept for the rest of the night holding eachother..

part 48:

*note*

Dedicated to zana aswel as everyone else who requested an ismails POV post..here’s post 2 of 5 for today

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Ismails POV:

 

She’s been calling since the day she left, but I couldn’t speak to her..if I heard her voice I’d feel sorry for her and then I’d take her back….I didn’t want to…

 

The day she left at 2 in the morning I was angry…couldn’t she just give me some space?

 

I’ve always had my mother breathing down me for everything I did in my life…now that my mother was away for the wedding in mozambique, I thought I’ll atleast have a peaceful few days, but here I get home and this woman is taking my mothers place and nagging my brain about why I was late…

 

I just needed some time out..I chilled at the shop for a while and then decided to take a drive around town…some peace at last…being married is over rated…I don’t know if I was ready for all these responsibilities…and now that she was pregnant..how would I deal with being a father too?

 

I needed to think abit..and that’s when I met up with one of my old ‘friends’….farzanah was stunning in every way..one of those barbie dolls…we always had a good time together because of her forward nature…

 

We got talking for a while..even though she knew I was married, she was cool..I felt care free talking to her..I forgot about my worries and responsibilitles…

 

Faaiza kept on calling but I was enjoying myself with farzana so I put my phone on silent and carried on enjoying myself..it made me think of the good times I had before marriage..before I was tied down by all these damn responsibilities…

 

We even got something to eat together so when I got home I wasn’t really hungry and went straight upstairs…fay was pissed.but I don’t really care..after such a lekker day, I just wanted to crash…

 

I put my head down on the pillow and was gone within seconds….

 

All the abuse I’d gone through in my childhood had an effect on me bad ways…I used to have repeated nightmares..this wasn’t a problem before because I always slept alone in my own room..but now that I was married I found myself hurting faaiza many times while sleeping…

 

I sometimes would kick, hit or even punch her in my sleep..totally oblivious of what I was doing.I’d only know what I’d done when she told me..but I would never admit it..she couldn’t know what I was all about..faaiza has no idea that I was abused as a kid..she thinks my life was perfect…

 

That specific night I woke up with a shock when I heard the bathroom door banging…I hated being woken up from my sleep..it just makes me furious….I woke up only to find this B**** crying and moaning in the bathroom..claiming that I scratched her bleeding..the way she was carrying on just made me laugh…she was carrying on like I’m some kind of beast that was going to attack her…I was laughng until she started screaming at me…

 

I hated anyone screaming at me..she was my wife..I owned her…she had no damn right to scream at me..I went ballistic and made sure she got out of the house..I had no idea what the time was but I didn’t care…I would not accept her back chatting and screaming at me..I was her damn husband and deserved more respect than that…I just wanted her gone..I wanted her out…she left…I watched her leave…but she stopped at the gate because it was closed….I did her a favour by opening up for her so she could get the hell out of my sight…

 

Once she was gone I spent most of the night smoking my stress away…I thought about zana….she wouldve been a better wife, she could’ve satisfied me more…I need her right now….

part 47:

*note*

This post is dedicated to ‘zana’ who’s reached 50 comments….!enjoy everyone!post 1 of 5 for today…

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Dada was really quiet that day..almost as if though he was contemplating a lot about something serious..I was worried…and stressed out…

 

I stayed upstairs in my room most of the time…I didn’t know if I wanted to know what dada had to say or not…

 

I could hear dada and dadi talking downstairs for a while but I just blocked my mind out and decided not to care…

 

I was laying on my bed staring at the curtain when a little while later both dada and dadi knocked on my open room door…

 

Dada:”beti?can we come in?”

 

I turned around carefully as my extra large tummy made it abit hard to turn around any faster..and I struggled to sit upright. Dadi helped me and they both sat down on the bed with me…dadi next to me holding my handing and patting it gently and dada infront of me looking quite perturbed…

 

Dada:”beti…I want you to remember that Allah only tests the ones whom He loves..and everybody goes through some kind of different trial…but we have to be strong…and its part of being a muslim to believe in taqdeer…everything that happens in our life happens for a reason known only to Allah ta’aalah…no matter what happens we can’t question Him…”

 

I nodded…wondering if dada was just trying to console me for all that’s happened already realizing what a toll its taken on my emotional well-being…but then he continued…

 

Dada:”I don’t know how to say this..and…(Pause)..I didn’t want to be the one to ever break this terrible news to you my child..(Lowering his head into his hands and then uncovering his face still holding onto his fully white sunnah beard)..your…ismails mummy called earlier…she..err..ismail wants a..d..d..talaaq”

 

I felt numb…I felt…totally numb….I blacked out…well not exactly..I was still sitting up but everything around me felt like it was spinning and extra bright..my stomach started turning inside…my tongue was tied..I was expressionless….until…it started..the tears once again..I was an emotional person…I cry a lot….but that’s my way of letting go…

 

I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with crying…every person should be allowed to cry whenever they felt like….for as long as they felt like…

 

And I did that..I cried…without a word…..for really long….dadi hugged me…and cried with me this time….when she pulled away from me I could see that dada had shed a tear too but wiped it away before I’d seen….

 

And then all these questions started rushing through my head….

 

Why?why did he divorce me?what have I done?what about my unborn twins?what about me?I should never have gotten angry about him coming late….he wouldve eaten and forgotten everything…I shouldve forced him to eat…or taken food up for him…he wouldve softened up towards me…I shouldve been a better wife…I shouldve hugged him before I slept..I shouldn’t have made such a big deal about him scratching me..I shouldve just forgotten about it and let it be…he was sleeping..it wasn’t his fault…he didn’t know what he was doing in his sleep…maybe I am crazy like he says…maybe I do need help..why is everything in my life such a mess-up?

 

I had to begin my iddat that means..I would have to sit in the house everyday until I give birth.how was I supposed to go for check-ups? How was I supposed to buy things for my babies?

 

Since I was kicked out that night, I came with nothing but a cloak…dadi and dada went the next day to buy me a whole lot of clothes,pj’s, shoes and everything…

 

Now they’d have to buy everything for my babies also…support me and my 2 kids…

 

I just don’t know how much more of all of this I could take…I wanted it to be over..but I also wanted answers..I wanted to know from ismail what he felt..how he could just end our marriage like that…how could he let go of me just like that knowing that I’m carry 2 of His babies….

 

I needed to know why?was there another woman in his life?was I not good enough?did I not satisfy him?or please him in any way?

 

And so I decided to give him a call once and for all……